wow this is weird
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
this is damn weird, super weird to be in front of my laptop and blogging again. feel like centuries. damn nostalgic. but yeah this is the place i can share my feelings with.
so many things had happen in this roughly 2 years since i last updated in my blog. the main reason why im here again is i wanna lash out about my dad. my one and only dad, the first person in my heart is no longer here. he passed away due to cancer on my birthday, 3/4/2017. coincidently is also his chinese calendar birthday. maybe i am fated with him afterall.
still remember before he passed away at the hospital, he told me "u also know the most loved person is u, i never hit u before". i was so damn touched and then my bf came. potong steam hahaha. he was like "dont worry uncle, i will take care of her, if she's naughty, i will beat her" =.= then apa lagi, my dad say him la where can beat one, lovers should be very loving. even though i didnt manage to tell my dad he's the person i love the most too, i guess he should know. the last thing that i talked to you and u nodded was "promise me u will never forget me". only God knows how much i love u, how heart broken i am to let u go.
during the days where i stayed overnight at hospital with my dad, he was caught with bacteria infection and had fever up and down. the whole night i dint sleep because keep changing ur towel on ur forehead. u was sleeping soundly as u were injected with morphine (pain killer) to make u sleep. countless times i walked from the bed to the toilet to wet it back, bout every 10 minutes repetitively? i was damn tired, my leg was tired, my body was tired but as long as u are ok, i wil never ever give up doing it even if its every single day as long as u're by myside
there was one night u keep asking for water and i repeatedly feed u water throughout the whole night. then u feel bad and said sorry to me for disturbing me to sleep and insist to just put the bottle next to u but i refused. i still wan to hold the bottle for u and drink. life is funny arent it? when i was a baby i guess u're the one who feed me. u never did complain, so who am i to complain for so much more u have done???
every single day when u was chicken rice seller, u woke at 3am to cook the rice, and came home at 5pm. then at 10pm-1am u will roast the duck and pork, then go back to sleep for 2 hours and woke up and drove all the way to PJ to work. it was so damn tiring but u never stop doing it. even when i was young, ur offday is just twice a month, u also will drive all the way to KL park to let us play. even robot need sometime to shutdown and rest but i wonder how u able to do that.
i still rmb when i was young, the first thing when i came down from room, i will ask "where is dad?". i was so attached to him to the point when he just go out to buy newspaper i also will cry if he went without me. whenever im sick, he will force and bring me to clinic but when he's sick, he just swallow the medicine quietly. born as a orphan, work hard throughout his life perhaps had make him stronger but i know deep down in his heart, he have a soft and kind hearted heart.
like there was one time i beg him to bring my stray cat to veterinarian, and he did fetched me XD he always say he dont like cats but at the end he always tapao extra chicken and bring back home to feed stray cats behind my house, and i caught him talking with my cat XD strong on the outside but soft at the inside i guess
at the hospital, on one day at 5am, u woke up and told me in relieve, "another day i able to see you guys". it breaks my heart so much to see u endure such pain just to see us. for me to afraid losing u is already so painful for me to bear, but u have to lose all of us must be terrifying.
life is just so unfair sometimes. why would God take him away so fast? right after my internship from Melaka, i came back and brought him to hospital. then he was diagnose with cancer. he dint even attend my convocation. my sis had booked terengganu room hotel for my family and ended up i was there all alone in the room. my brother and sis in law was on another hotel room since bought long ago.
thank God i am bless with my bf that accompany me at there. he unable to take leave on my convo so he just came on one day and he actually left a card at the hotel room before he left. when i came back to the hotel room, tears start to well up to experience such a big room but im just all alone. then the moment i saw the card and read his loving words make me strong again. i slept in the big hotel room alone with lights on. scary HAHA.
my dad able to watch my graduation ceremony live on my uni website on ipad. thank God for such technologies nowadays if not i damn emo. stil rmb during my 2nd year uni i asked my dad to buy me graduation flower, then he happily say yes of course, we will go get flower. who knows what will happen in the future except God. that's why i always tell myself treasure each moment, live every moment earnestly bcoz nobody knows what will happen tmw. every single day is a gift, thats why it's called present :)
the day u passed away was the day i cried the most. bcoz its my birthday means i cried a lot as a baby and as ur daughter where i lost my dad. cried until almost vomit and eyes couldnt get anymore red. nevertheless i know u stayed for super long for us, u were damn suffer to the point we never had the selfishness to keep u anymore and let u to God. i hope u promised me like what i told u, to never forget me. one day i will come and find u too, pa. love is our only way of communication now where our heart wont be far apart and love keeps us unseparated.
luckily throughout my most miserable and devastating time i have my bf that took leave to accompany me at hospital, prayed with me, comfort me to sleep etc. and ofcoz my beloved frens that been there for me supporting me throughout the whole night and helped my family. words can never tell how appreciate i am.
i lost two of the most important people in my life, which another was my super best guy friend, Fikri. he always there to help me regardless anything and make sure im always fine. i was damn devastated to hear such sudden news and couldnt believe it. he always call at night right after i broke up to make sure i was fine, brought me to watch movie that he lied he havent watched, brought gifts for me etc.
he is just too kind hearted. btw, for any of my secondary friends that by chance reading this, it was actually him that bought Secret Recipe cake for szelyn bday instead of me, he was just using my name back then bcoz he dont want it to be awkward and enjoy the cake.
days that are gone will never come again. cherish every moment and live it to the fullest! the most important thing in our life cant be bought by money. just live ur life and never regret :) talking about money, i just closed my scholarship account during my form 3 for straight As, and the investment has rised to almost rm 1K :D hardwork paid off. now waiting for start working next week while waiting for Kingsley starts open on Sept ^^ thats all for now~ ciaoz
